The Unexpected Life

Today, the twins are 9 months old. I remember that this age was around when I started to really have fun with my oldest. I remember shortly after Finley was born, I showed up at a friend’s house for a group hang, baby in tow. It was the first time many of them were seeing me since becoming a mom and one lady asked me excitedly “Do you just LOVE being a mom?”

In my sleep-deprived state, I was more bluntly honest than is typical for me. Before I knew what I was saying, “Not really!” had blurted out of my mouth.

Obviously not the answer anyone was expecting, and a big part of me wanted to immediately backtrack. But I realized in that moment that it was the truth. I loved my baby, but I was not having fun being a mom. It was hard. The only feedback I was getting from my baby seemed entirely negative, since newborns don’t know how to smile yet. All you get is indifference, sleep, or tears. I loved my baby, but I didn’t love being a mom.

Thankfully, I was in a room full of understanding women, many of whom were already moms. I was reassured that I wasn’t the only person who had felt that way, and commended for my honesty. Those with older kids encouraged me that I wouldn’t feel that way forever. That I just didn’t love being a mom yet.

They were right, and I remember around 9 months with Finley stopping to think “this is fun! I like this!” I was starting to see more of his personality, starting to see him figure things out, and was feeling more like I had a handle on my new role.

Now that Kalla and Shae are 9 months old, I find myself in a similar position. I love these girls, but only recently have I started to feel like it was actually fun.

As their personalities emerge, I get a front row seat. People are always asking me if the girls are different from each other. Right from the get-go, they have had distinct personalities and we’re seeing them more and more now. Shae has always been more vocal, letting us know something wasn’t right. Now, she’s babbling away, and always seems to have something to say. Kalla was usually more content to just look around and wait for Shae’s cries to reach us. And now, she’s just as curious and excited to explore the world around her. She doesn’t babble much, but she is crawling and exploring constantly.

I’m so excited for this next phase of parenting. I can honestly say it just keeps getting better. People warned of the “terrible twos” and the “threenager” stage, but with Finley I loved those ages. Yes, there were challenges, but there was also so much joy and laughter and FUN. And now that he is almost 5 years old, I’m getting to see him become more and more himself. Creative, kind, thoughtful, energetic, goofy, loving.

There is so much to look forward to. And once again I’m reminded that nothing lasts forever. The stage when I loved my kids, but couldn’t honestly say I loved being a mom ended. My son learning to talk who hilariously called our dog “Pooper” and said we were going to “airfort” eventually learned to say Cooper and airport. The sweet newborn snuggles have been replaced by curious babies looking all around. The sweet toddler boy is gone, but the sweet kid is still there inviting me to see his band “Best Singer Concert” perform (with a handmade sign hanging on the wall).

There is hard and joy in every season if we’re willing to look for it, willing to hold both at the same time.