The Unexpected Life

Last week at church, we were singing a song by Phil Wickham that took me right back to the darkest moments of our infertility journey. 

The song is This is Our God and there is a particular verse that goes:

Remember that fear that took our breath away? 

Faith so weak that we could barely pray

But He heard every word, every whisper

Now those altars in the wilderness

Tell the story of His faithfulness

Never once did He fail, and He never will

I remember so vividly the times in the past few years when I was so afraid. So afraid that we’d never have another child, that my plans were falling apart, that we felt alone and hopeless. I was terrified. I struggled to pray. I thought it was because I was so angry that God would leave us in that position. And I was honestly and deeply furious at God. 

But that anger revealed a much deeper truth. 

I was angry because I was afraid. And I was afraid because I had stopped trusting that God is who he says he is. I had let my faith waiver and crumble. 

God, in his infinite kindness, put people in my life who gently pulled me out of that pit. He didn’t abandon me in the darkness, but instead continued his relentless pursuit of me. And I can look back at the story and see his faithfulness through it all.

Typically in my life, like most people probably, I try to avoid feeling “negative” emotions (you know: fear, anger, sadness, etc.). Generally speaking, I’d rather forget the difficult times. I’m thankful for the passage of time that dulls past hurts; that softening and blurring of memories that makes the feelings less poignant.

Last Sunday, however, I was struck with the overwhelming desire to never forget how I felt in those days, months, and years of infertility. Because now I am living in the part of the story where I can see God’s faithfulness revealed. 

And it takes my breath away. 

I can’t believe I get to live this part of the story. I can only be this grateful because I remember what it was to be so afraid. I can only be this hopeful because I remember what it was to be so hopeless. 

As the song says:

This is our God, this is who He is. He loves us. This is our God, this is what He does. He saves us.