The Unexpected Life

Ever since I can remember, I’ve found it difficult to volunteer my opinions or thoughts in a group setting. Put me one-on-one, and I’m pretty comfortable sharing what I think. But in a group, it gets really tough for me. I’m way more likely to just keep silent, except for offering the occasional joke.

A few years ago, I was introduced to the Enneagram, and have found it a helpful tool in understanding myself and loved ones better. As an Enneagram 9, my core fear is losing connection with others. This shows up in many ways (hello conflict avoidance? It’s me, Elizabeth), and I have realized that this reluctance to share my opinions broadly is a big one.

The problem, as I see it, is that not everyone will share my opinions. Someone might even *gasp* strongly disagree. Or worse, think my idea is stupid and therefore I am not worthy of loving (this is kind of a whole other thing, but it still comes down to fearing losing connection). Basically, I’m afraid that saying something might cost me a friendship so I stay silent instead.

Now, if you are not an Enneagram 9 (or maybe even if you are, who knows?), you might be reading this thinking “that is the silliest thing I’ve ever heard, how could simply disagreeing with someone ruin a relationship?” And you are correct. It is not a helpful or true way to see relationships. In fact, it’s a shortcut and fast track to never feeling truly known or seen, and therefore not having any actual deep relationships. Which ironically is the very thing I am trying to avoid. 

Listen, I get it. When I write it down like this, or say it out loud, I tell myself “girl, get your life together, you don’t make sense.” And if a friend told me they felt this way I would probably be so offended. How could someone possibly think that I would like them less simply because they said something I don’t wholeheartedly agree with? That’s how little they think of our relationship?? I’m angry even thinking about it.

And yet, here we are. 

As they say, admitting you have a problem is the first step to solving it. And so, over the past year or so, I’ve been working to actively fight against this instinct to stay quiet unnecessarily. I would say my success is variable at best, but I’m trying. 

The other day, I had a good day. I am part of a mom’s group at my church and we have great conversations. This past week, someone was raising an issue they were having and I had an idea for something that might help based on my own similar experiences. As I was about to share, someone else jumped in with a thought that changed the course of the conversation a little bit. My natural instinct was to just let the moment pass, thinking that what I was going to share probably wasn’t that important anyway and it would be awkward to go back in the conversation. 

But as I sat there, I acknowledged that the reason I was staying silent wasn’t because it actually made sense, but because I felt uncomfortable putting myself out there. The Sara Bareilles song Brave started playing in my head.

“Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave”

So I sucked it up like a big girl and said what I wanted to say. 

When I finished saying my piece, not only the specific woman I’d been addressing, but the other few ladies in the room all said something along the lines of “wow, that was so helpful!” 

It was a fairly obvious reminder that what I have to say does have value. 

I fundamentally believe that God has a unique purpose for each person. Even if you don’t agree with me on that, I hope you’ll agree that every person is inherently valuable and worthy of being known. And when we stay silent when we should speak, we rob others of the value we bring to the world.  

So let’s agree to stop doing that, okay? Okay.